It’s not easy admitting the truth about yourself.
If you signed up to get my posts regularly, you’ll have noticed that they have been pretty irregular lately. In fact almost an entire month has gone by without so much as a peep from me. It’s not that I’ve been deliberately avoiding you, quite the opposite, it seems my life has become so hectic, I honestly haven’t had time for you. That’s the truth – Number 1. My life is too busy to blog about.
In the face of a revelation this week, I’ve had to admit a few other home truths about myself.
Number 2. I feel I have to be the best. At everything.
Being the best at something can be wonderful. Actually, being the best at something is….the best! But it’s when you try to be the best at everything, that’s when you know you have a problem. I could blame it on being a Scorpio…we’re passionate, driven, artistic people. But I think that’s just a cop-out. If I try my hand at something and come up lacking, I feel a huge sense of failure.
Number 3. I am like Vegemite. I spread myself too thin.
Wanting to be the best at everything means you try to do a lot. Too much. So much in fact you suddenly realise that you couldn’t possibly be the best at anything, you just simply don’t have any time left to focus and dedicate your energy to anything. And let’s face it, Vegemite is already lacking in fans.
Number 4. Much like a washed up race-horse, I put myself last.
I know I’m not alone here. But why do I feel a huge sense of guilt if I put myself before others? And why is ‘me-time’ now a dirty word? When it comes to my weekend, the two days off a week that should be for me, I’m lucky if I can find an hour to do something for myself. And if I do, there is a voice in the back of my head saying “but that thing for that person, you’re putting it off, how rude!”. These days it feels like if you’re not helping everyone, you’re helping no-one.
Number 5. My happiness hinges on others being happy.
It’s like not being able to enjoy that double chocolate, coated in chocolate with a chocolate on top ice-cream cone because the kid next you can’t afford to buy one. And you know you’ll just feel better if they ate your ice-cream and you saw the smile on their ice-cream covered face. This isn’t a bad thing, but maybe its ok to eat your own ice-cream every now and then. Why? Because you’ve earn’t it, that’s why.
Ok, so far it sounds like all I’m doing is complaining that I have a very busy, rich life, full of people I care about. Heck yes I do. And I’m grateful up the wazoo about that fact. But here’s the thing, every now and then, you have to stop worrying about what people will think of you if you aren’t trying to please them. That if you say no and try to do things that make yourself, and only yourself happy, the world won’t fall apart. And that if you don’t do a favour for someone – you don’t have to beat yourself up for days about it.
That’s all very nice Jen, you’ve realised you’re an obsessive, perfectionist, control freak who wants to make the world happy. But where does that leave you?
It just so happens that this year isn’t just about self-realisations, it’s also about taking action. So for the next five weeks, I’m only going to work four days a week, instead of five (and sometimes six or seven). While it probably sounds like small fry to you, cutting back my working week is HUGE for me. But what’s even bigger is that I’m not trying to fill that extra day. Its blank, it’s for me. If I want to sit in my pyjamas and watch 1980′s movies all day, I will. If I want to climb that mountain behind my house until my legs feel like jelly, oh I will. And if I want to spend some quality time just blogging about it…you better believe I will.
I’m becoming my own Girl Friday. Word.