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The only time I’ll touch a wild boars testicles.

21 May

I make no secret about wanting a few of my own chubby legged kids one day. And today I was given this little nugget of advice. There is a statue in front of the Sydney Hospital in Macquarie Street called Il Porcellino. My friend said that the legend goes if you rub his wild boar grapes, it will help your fertility. After further research, apparently only rubbing his snout is recommended for good luck. Oh well, next time I’m in the big smoke, I’ll be sure to rub his man-junk just in case.

The incredibly harassed pig.

Which brings me to my next topic…the overly fertile women in my life. I’m telling you, it’s an epidemic (of the good kind naturally). One good friend of mine just gave birth to a healthy baby boy two weeks ago, and another five of my friends are set to follow suit in the coming months. So as the next cab is patiently waiting to drop off her fair…which is already a week overdue, I got to chatting to another one of those lovely ladies about the joys of pregnancy. I was going to re-write it from my perspective…but her words are too good not to share as is. WARNING: do not proceed if you have a weak stomach and/or wish to know nothing about the truth of pregnancy.

Without further adieu, I introduce Dee – our topical expert! She says…

  1. Right, so…when you are pregnant you lose ownership of your body.
  2. The life growing inside you that takes what it wants regardless of how much you have to give.
  3. Your body becomes public property, especially during your first pregnancy. Note: it’s not ok to touch other people. Especially if you’re not really sure what their name is, or if they are looking at you as if they are about to kill you but the only thing holding them back is making a messy scene at work.
  4. Your Dr will do things to you and make you feel discomfort you never knew existed.The dreaded strip and stretch, meant to help your body kick labour off when you are at or past due date, actually just makes you realize you do have Spiderman-esque powers and you can crawl up a wall backwards.
  5. Many women take delight in trying to scare the hell out of you with horrific labour stories, and some just like to give you really bad and condescending advice, such as ‘if you think your tired now, wait till the baby comes’ in that ever knowing voice of a woman who excels at whipping up over cooked-meat and packet rice every night.
  6. Pregnancy brings with it bladder weakness, flatulence, weight gain, fatigue, mood swings.
  7. Magazines try to convince you that being pregnant is like an illness and you need to purchase the entire catalogue of baby kingdom or you will fail as a mother.
  8. Maternity clothing is a complete chapter to be dealt with separately, it’s bad, expensive and designed by men.
  9. The actual process of going through labour is designed to push you to your utter limits, your body will do and feel things you can’t imagine possible, but after you have bared all in a room full of people you barely know, done a poo without even knowing and demanded a hysterectomy you will be handed a red, slimy, screaming creature that will depend on you completely make you fall in love and drive you insane everyday for the best part of your life.

Thanks Dee! I’m sure Number 3. was a technique used in the 1600’s as a punishment against treason. “You said what about the King??? Bend over! Its punishment by the strip and stretch!!!”

I was seriously considering by-passing my manly bacon friend above until I read the very last part of Number 9. It was really touch and go for a while there. Rub-a-dub-dub!

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10 Comments

Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

10 responses to “The only time I’ll touch a wild boars testicles.

  1. viveka

    May 22, 2012 at 2:16 am

    You’re amazing – turning a topic like that into something to funny and enjoyable read. Personal I never had longings to become a mum, so I don’t really have a clue about this subject, but I enjoyed to read this post

     
    • Jen

      May 22, 2012 at 8:36 pm

      Thank you!! There is so much I don’t understand about motherhood… But I have lots of wonderful teachers.

       
      • viveka

        May 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm

        I thought it came natural – but I suppose like anything in life we need advice.

         
  2. Viciously Sweet

    May 22, 2012 at 7:10 am

    What if the boar prefers you buy him some dinner first?

     
    • Jen

      May 22, 2012 at 8:16 pm

      Well in the very least, look deep into his eyes and tell him how handsome he is…

       
  3. Rob Rubin

    May 22, 2012 at 1:04 pm

    I made my wife eat ostrich jerky right before sex. Worked like a charm both times.

     
    • Jen

      May 22, 2012 at 3:24 pm

      Get out!!!! Are you for real? I’m a big fan of jerky generally. What are the health/fertility benefits of an osterich anyway?

       
      • Rob Rubin

        May 23, 2012 at 12:26 pm

        It’s debatable. I mean they are the biggest bird yet can’t fly. So, something’s screwed up with their DNA.

         
  4. Jen and Tonic

    May 23, 2012 at 12:57 pm

    The poo thing made me laugh!! I mean, it’s one thing to be spread eagle in front of a bunch of strangers, but that too?! It took me, like, a year to poop near my boyfriend.

     
    • Jen

      May 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      You shouldn’t have read that post. I’m sure it only reinforced your decision not to bare children.

      On the upside, you could have had the opportunity to harass your old wild boar. 🙂

       

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