When your chest needs its own postcode.

05 Jun

In 2011, 672 women died as a result of injuries sustained from overly large breasts. That is probably a fictional statistic. Actually I know it is because I just made it up. But surely somewhere, this is the reality. Large breasts can be a hazard.

I can hear at least half of the population saying “So what’s your beef lady? Large mammary glands are the bomb diggity!” And while its true being a Chesty La Roux has its moments, largely they just seem to get in the way.

You know your breasts need their own postcode if you have every experienced any of the following:-

  • Clothes fit you everywhere else, except your chest;
  • You go to great pains to cover them up but they still bust out of your top with more determination than an inmate of Shawshank Redemption;
  • You can lose an entire course of a meal in your cleavage “Oh I’m sure that chicken Maryland was just on my plate…no, wait, here it is!”;
  • When you lie down, you feel like you may choke to death;
  • Going for a jog is an exercise in physics…weight + velocity x gravity = a reinforced sports bra; and
  • People become hypnotised with that space between your belly button and your face. Men, women, children….everyone. Even you. It has this power that humans are unable to resist.

In no way am I trying to give the illusion that my chest is the biggest (it ain’t) or the best (it certainly ain’t). But its been ample enough to cause a few problems along the way. So while I continue to find last nights dessert nestled sweetly my townships, I think its timely to celebrate women of all shapes and sizes. We never seem to be happy with what we’ve got…but I’m just happy I’ve got them at all.


Posted by on June 5, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure


Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 responses to “When your chest needs its own postcode.

  1. Jen and Tonic

    June 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

    I’m always afraid I’m going to break my jaw with the force of my breasts coming upwards during a jog.

    • Jen

      June 6, 2012 at 7:33 am


  2. viveka

    June 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

    For me … this is fare away for me! Had a friend that had natural big breasts – and she made them smaller because they gave her massive problems and she had back pain all the time … and an other reason she said was that she would love that men looked at her face/eyes when talking to her and not her breast. They did a fantastic job for her … I don’t understand anything of this cosmetic surgical. For medical reasons .. of course.

  3. Wilhelmina Upton

    June 6, 2012 at 9:13 pm

    So true, that post of yours. My mom is always glad I didn’t inherit her big breasts because the caused her nothing but back pain, not fitting into standard clothes…
    I never get why women would get cosmetic surgeries to get DD cups for fun. Methinks they have not idea what they’re getting themselves into.

  4. Rob Rubin

    June 7, 2012 at 10:15 am

    Ironic I should stumble on this post today as I was explaining on Twitter earlier how I am more of an ass man than breast. As the owner of a B/C cup myself, I can’t imagine how women carry around those things. If I had anything over a D, I’d probably duct tape them down.

  5. John the Aussie

    June 8, 2012 at 3:55 am

    Wait… What?

  6. Viciously Sweet

    June 21, 2012 at 9:42 am

    This post made me laugh so much! Boobs are a major hazard!
    Every time I wear anything that isn’t like a nun’s habit or a hoodie zipped to my eyes people say I’m too “provocative”! What the heck, I can’t help what the tank top is doing… but it’s not like I showed up in pasties!

    • Jen

      June 25, 2012 at 7:34 am

      Ahahaha. I know what you mean. They seem to have a mind of their own any way. Who are we to say what they can and can’t do.


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