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Tag Archives: being pregnant

Project: Bebe

Holy mother of absence – where have I been all your life??

Very good question. The answer is…I’ve been busy. Not just making my own Christmas presents busy. Like…the busiest I have ever been. The reason why? I’ve been growing a baby. Its been the most amazing, wonderful and terrifying experience I’ve ever had. And I’m not even half way!!! Right now, our little Pickle is 16 weeks old and 11.5cm (4.5in) long. Incredible if you ask me.

Despite the initial 14 weeks of horrendous nausea and gagging fits, everything has been going pretty great. Some days I think I’m the only woman who has ever endured the complete and overwelming tiredness of pregnancy. Or the uncontrollable and irrational emotion that changes like the wind. But the biggest challenge for me? I’m now at the complete and utter mercy of my body. Its in the drivers seat of a rally car and thinks its the Stig.

Night time is the worst. It usually plays out something like this:-

10.32pm – Settle into bed.

10.48pm – Body: I’m hungry. Me: No you’re not, go to sleep. Body: I aaaaaam. I need a snack. Me: But I’ve just brushed my teeth. Oh ok. (Get out of bed, find muesli bar, eat muesli bar)

11.15pm – Crazy dreams.

12.39am – Crazy dreams.

3.18am – Crazy dreams.

4.02am – Body: I need something. Me: What do you need? Body: I’m thirsty, I need water. (Drink water beside bed)

4.18am – Body: Now I need to pee. Me: Really? Ok. (Get out of bed, go to bathroom).

4.32am – Body: I need something else. I’m hungry. Me: No you aren’t. I’m not eating anything. You can have some water. (Drink more water)

4.35am – Body: But I am hungry. I’m starving. I’m starving. I’m starv…I’m feeling sick. I might spew. Yep, I’m gonna spew. Nope, I’m hungry again. Pleeeease??? Me: Geez ok, hang on. (Get up, go to pantry, fumble for something in the dark, find half stale chicken crackers, eat 4 crackers, drink more water, go back to bed)

4.46am – Body: Uh oh…I really need to pee again. Me: Seriously?? Seriously? Body: Well you did drink all that water. (Get out of bed, go to bathroom).

5.06am – Body: I can’t sleep. Those crackers have left a funny taste in my mouth. Me: I agree. (Get out of bed, brush teeth, go back to bed)

6.45am – Me: I have to get up in 15 minutes for work. Body: No way! I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.

7.15am – Me: Darn!! I slept in. Nice work body, now I’m going to be late! Body: Don’t forget that I want 3 pieces of toast for breakfast this morning.

I eventually make it to work looking almost like a real human. By mid-morning I’m actually feeling like a real human. By 3pm, I’m wishing I could crawl under my desk for a nap. But somehow, I manage to get to the end of the day, drag myself home, sometimes make dinner, sometimes curl up on the couch and start the whole night time routine again.

So why not stay tuned for some more exciting and unbelievable adventures starring: My Body. Rated MA+.

Crafty

 
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Posted by on January 24, 2013 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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The only time I’ll touch a wild boars testicles.

I make no secret about wanting a few of my own chubby legged kids one day. And today I was given this little nugget of advice. There is a statue in front of the Sydney Hospital in Macquarie Street called Il Porcellino. My friend said that the legend goes if you rub his wild boar grapes, it will help your fertility. After further research, apparently only rubbing his snout is recommended for good luck. Oh well, next time I’m in the big smoke, I’ll be sure to rub his man-junk just in case.

The incredibly harassed pig.

Which brings me to my next topic…the overly fertile women in my life. I’m telling you, it’s an epidemic (of the good kind naturally). One good friend of mine just gave birth to a healthy baby boy two weeks ago, and another five of my friends are set to follow suit in the coming months. So as the next cab is patiently waiting to drop off her fair…which is already a week overdue, I got to chatting to another one of those lovely ladies about the joys of pregnancy. I was going to re-write it from my perspective…but her words are too good not to share as is. WARNING: do not proceed if you have a weak stomach and/or wish to know nothing about the truth of pregnancy.

Without further adieu, I introduce Dee – our topical expert! She says…

  1. Right, so…when you are pregnant you lose ownership of your body.
  2. The life growing inside you that takes what it wants regardless of how much you have to give.
  3. Your body becomes public property, especially during your first pregnancy. Note: it’s not ok to touch other people. Especially if you’re not really sure what their name is, or if they are looking at you as if they are about to kill you but the only thing holding them back is making a messy scene at work.
  4. Your Dr will do things to you and make you feel discomfort you never knew existed.The dreaded strip and stretch, meant to help your body kick labour off when you are at or past due date, actually just makes you realize you do have Spiderman-esque powers and you can crawl up a wall backwards.
  5. Many women take delight in trying to scare the hell out of you with horrific labour stories, and some just like to give you really bad and condescending advice, such as ‘if you think your tired now, wait till the baby comes’ in that ever knowing voice of a woman who excels at whipping up over cooked-meat and packet rice every night.
  6. Pregnancy brings with it bladder weakness, flatulence, weight gain, fatigue, mood swings.
  7. Magazines try to convince you that being pregnant is like an illness and you need to purchase the entire catalogue of baby kingdom or you will fail as a mother.
  8. Maternity clothing is a complete chapter to be dealt with separately, it’s bad, expensive and designed by men.
  9. The actual process of going through labour is designed to push you to your utter limits, your body will do and feel things you can’t imagine possible, but after you have bared all in a room full of people you barely know, done a poo without even knowing and demanded a hysterectomy you will be handed a red, slimy, screaming creature that will depend on you completely make you fall in love and drive you insane everyday for the best part of your life.

Thanks Dee! I’m sure Number 3. was a technique used in the 1600’s as a punishment against treason. “You said what about the King??? Bend over! Its punishment by the strip and stretch!!!”

I was seriously considering by-passing my manly bacon friend above until I read the very last part of Number 9. It was really touch and go for a while there. Rub-a-dub-dub!

 
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Posted by on May 21, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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