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Tag Archives: humour

When your chest needs its own postcode.

In 2011, 672 women died as a result of injuries sustained from overly large breasts. That is probably a fictional statistic. Actually I know it is because I just made it up. But surely somewhere, this is the reality. Large breasts can be a hazard.

I can hear at least half of the population saying “So what’s your beef lady? Large mammary glands are the bomb diggity!” And while its true being a Chesty La Roux has its moments, largely they just seem to get in the way.

You know your breasts need their own postcode if you have every experienced any of the following:-

  • Clothes fit you everywhere else, except your chest;
  • You go to great pains to cover them up but they still bust out of your top with more determination than an inmate of Shawshank Redemption;
  • You can lose an entire course of a meal in your cleavage “Oh I’m sure that chicken Maryland was just on my plate…no, wait, here it is!”;
  • When you lie down, you feel like you may choke to death;
  • Going for a jog is an exercise in physics…weight + velocity x gravity = a reinforced sports bra; and
  • People become hypnotised with that space between your belly button and your face. Men, women, children….everyone. Even you. It has this power that humans are unable to resist.

In no way am I trying to give the illusion that my chest is the biggest (it ain’t) or the best (it certainly ain’t). But its been ample enough to cause a few problems along the way. So while I continue to find last nights dessert nestled sweetly my townships, I think its timely to celebrate women of all shapes and sizes. We never seem to be happy with what we’ve got…but I’m just happy I’ve got them at all.

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Posted by on June 5, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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Jen Versus the Volcano

It’s 1990 and Tom Hanks agrees to make a quirky movie called…Joe Versus the Volcano. As an 11 year old, I happily emersed myself in this movie and loved the montage where he was stranded on his four watertight, all purpose trunks in the middle of the ocean. But it wasn’t until I watched it recently, that it struck an entirely different chord with me.

As a kid, I used to fast forward the opening sequence where Joe Banks and the rest of the workers trudge slowly into work, looking depressed and as grey as the sidewalk. It was boring, it was bland. And I guess that’s exactly the point. Joe was living this ghastly conformist life that made him sick. He didn’t even know why he did things…he didn’t question them. He just went to work every day, half asleep. Gah.

Besides the excellent rectal probe references, which I obviously hadn’t picked up before, his arrival at work made me draw some comparisons to my own morning ritual. Ok, so I don’t have it as bad as poor Joe (and I don’t work with rectal probes), but I often feel blotchy and drained sitting under the fluorescent lights. And I swear to you that my glands go up and my throat feels scratchy when I arrived there and turn on my computer. (Maybe its just because its flu season?)

There is a scene where Joe’s Manager – Mr Waturi is on the phone repeating himself…”But can he do the job. I know he can get the job but can he DO the job? I’m NOT arguing that with you. I’m not arguing that with YOU. I’m not ARGUING that with you. I’m not ARGUING that with you Harry! Harry… Harry… Yeah Harry… but can he DO the job. I know he can GET the job but can he do the job?” I’m pretty sure I’ve said the exact same thing. Well….almost.

A terrible hypochondriac, Joe is told he has a “brain cloud”. An incurable disease with no symptoms. In fact, you don’t even realise there’s a problem until you’re dead. So after an offer he can’t refuse, he is given the option to live out his remaining days like a hero…and embark on the adventure of a lifetime. He sets sail to the island of Waponi Woo where he will jump into a live volcano to appease the volcano god.

The best quote of the whole movie is when Patricia says to Joe:

“My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake, and they live in a state of constant, total amazement.”

So the question remains…when do I book myself on the first yacht to Waponi Woo? When do I wake up and start living in a state of constant, total amazement?

 
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Posted by on May 29, 2012 in Tune In...

 

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Did you hear something? Yeah, like a swoosh.

I think there are two types of people in the world when it comes to ‘clothes management’.

  1. The type who carefully sort their washing by lights, darks, colours, delicates, heavy-duty and woollens (huh?). Always select the correct cycle and water temperature. Pegs on the line with care.  Folds the clothes when getting them off the line. Then irons and hangs them immediately; OR
  2. The type who sorts by light or dark only. Chooses the regular cycle every time.  Pegs on the line with abandon. Then throws everything in the washing basket to remain until needed.

I’ll  give you one guess which type I am. Yeah…Number 2 with a bullet. I try to be a Number 1 laundry person. But there always seems to be far too many clothes and not enough time. I do not know how mothers of tiny little people manage. Seriously, all those little socks and jumpsuits and singlets. It’s too much to think about!

Boltanski’s No Man’s Land

I try to complete all my washing on the weekend…sometimes its ok to hang outside on the line. Sometimes I have to use the clothes airer inside. If it’s an inside job, the clothes can ‘air’ for many days. I just forget they’re there, waiting to be pulled off and dumped haphazardly into a basket.

Then every Monday I’m faced with the same problem. What….do….I….wear? I truly long for my school uniform days. One look, no thinking, just whip it on and away you go. But I have clothing freedom and with that comes responsibility. And ironing. I do iron you know. Every morning when I rifle through that basket looking for something that won’t make me look like I got dressed in the dark in the 1980’s. I just iron what I need for that day. Usually after I’ve showered and standing in a towel. I will confess to also burning my stomach several times from ironing in the nude. NOT RECOMMENDED. I once burned my stomach so badly, I had a long red scar that looked like I’d had some organ removed.

Photo cred: Wikipedia

I also do not own a full length mirror…so some days, whilst the top half matches well, covers well and makes me look like a real life adult worker, the bottom half could be a complete lucky dip. Lately I’ve found myself saying to my husband as I run out the door “Does this look ok? Do these shoes go with this skirt?” He always replies with “I don’t know these things”.  Last week after one of his responses I was so desperate I found myself on top of a dining room chair, trying to look at the my outfit in the dining room mirror. Lucky save, those shoes did NOT go with that skirt. Or the other day, I put on a lovely bone shirt dress only to see myself in the mirror looking like a safari hunter. All I needed was a hat and gun and I could be on the set of Out of Africa. Disgraceful.

Which all leads me to today’s outfit. It was cold this morning and I had the urge to wear pants. I can’t actually remember the last time I wore pants to work so finding a pair that fit, had a working zipper and no holes in them was a challenge. I selected what looked like a perfectly fine pair that met all the criteria. Until I started walking. They make the exact sound that George Costanza’s pants made from Seinfeld. A swoosh, swoosh, swoosh sound. By the time I discovered this, I was well and truly over the ordeal and decided to go with the George pants anyway.

So here’s to free styling your laundry and swooshy pants. Can you hear something?

 
12 Comments

Posted by on May 28, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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When you realise you have a super power.

I mean, I guess there have been signs. But I’ve never really put it all together. Not until recently anyway. So before you’re all like “yeah girrllll, you really are She-Ra!” Let me assure you, I only possess ONE super power and its less She-Ra and more like the character Bruce Willis played in the movie Unbreakable. All undercover and subtle.

Here are the signs:-

  • I’m a chronic light sleeper. So light in fact that I sense someone in the room before they enter the room. I need to wear ear plugs, not only to block out my husbands snoring but also the sound of yapping dogs miles away. I once completely believed that there was a kangaroo outside my bedroom window which would not stop its incessant ‘chet chet chet’ noises. It kept me up for 3 nights.
  • My ears reject bud-like ear phones. They just will not stay in there.
  • I constantly have to ask my husband to turn down the tv and/or radio. He says he cannot hear it but I claim that it’s at a very comfortable level, thank you very much. And who needs to hear the latest news bulletin with window shattering decibel anyway?
  • I’m a big believer in subtle background music rather than a “in your face” volume. If I have to raise my voice so you can hear me over the music, why am I even bothering to talk to you.
  • You can’t mutter something under your breath about me. I know what you just said, even if I pretend I don’t so you keep saying it.

If you haven’t already guessed…I believe I’m in the possession of super sonic hearing powers.You can call me Super Phonic Girl. I shall defend you with all the power that I have.

I’m in need of a catch phrase of which I shall shout at my assailants with every victory. Suggestions welcome. And if anyone wants to make me a superhero outfit, I respond well to primary colours!

There are more out there like me. Although, this Super Hero guy seems rather upset that his super hearing has resulted in what look like handless arms protruding from his head.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on May 15, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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Don’t tap on the glass, the fish don’t like it.

Recently my work team moved floors in our building. After about 5 years sitting in the one place, I was both excited and weary of the change. We moved from Level 2 down to the Ground Level and, well, we might as well have moved to a different planet.

Level 2 was quiet, isolated and comfortable.

Ground Level is loud, exposed and strange.

We sit in a glass office surrounded by other people. When we arrived everyone told us we had just moved into the fishbowl. Ain’t that the truth. Being the new tropical fish in town brings bemused stares, noses pressed to the glass and a lot of questions.  But now I’ve gotten used to my aquarium, I’m quite fond of it. Besides closing the door and along with it, the air supply, I can play my music without using my headphones and I don’t have to go up two flights of stairs every morning. But there are some surprising differences that moving two floors has revealed:

  • There is no toilet on this level unless you use the disabled toilet in the foyer. You have to travel down to the basement if you want any kind of privacy. However the mere fact that you are going downstairs is like a neon sign saying…”This girl is going to pee!”
  • The kitchens down here service a lot people and for some reason that means that teaspoons are a rare commodity. Where the heck are all the teaspoons?
  • The fridge in one kitchen is so full that there is no room to put your lunch while the other kitchen fridge is empty. Maybe the reason for that is the sign on the inside saying “LABEL IT OR LOSE IT! NAME AND DATE.” Hmmm, trust issues anyone?
  •  The tea tastes funny.

At least the natives are friendly down here. Glug, glug.

My sock monsters blank stare says it all...

 
9 Comments

Posted by on April 26, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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Bang! Bang!

Hello blog world!

As some of you may have noticed, I have been decidedly absent over the past couple of weeks. Never fear…I didn’t suffer from a cinnamon bun overdose. Although it was pretty close there for a while. I’ve actually been suffering from another infliction…work related stress.

Stress is a word that gets bandied around a lot these days… But what happens when that stress starts affecting all areas of your life? Before checking out completely, I was in need of a serious ‘time out’. I was required to take several days off to achieve that time out and it was a long time coming. Here are some things I’ve discovered along the way:

  1. It’s entirely possible to spend a full day in your pyjamas sitting on the couch drinking cups of tea only to get up for bathroom breaks or to make more tea.
  2. Showers are NOT necessary.
  3. Watching hours of tv without really remembering any of it can be achieved quite easily.
  4. Devouring an Easter egg you found in the pantry in approximately 2.6 seconds only makes you feel better for approximately 2.6 seconds.
  5. Listening to the sound of rain on your roof is as good as a hug from your mum.
  6. It’s ok to admit you don’t have ALL the answers.
  7. Crying at the lotto ad where the dad pays off his pregnant daughters mortgage is completely appropriate….that baby shall want for nothing.
  8. Building up your DVD collection over the last several years was really just a pointless exercise because you don’t want to watch any of them, you’ve already seen them at least twice and they take up far too much room.
  9. Re-heated nachos are a completely legitimate lunchtime meal.
  10. Sometimes you need to stop talking to everyone in order to hear what you have to say.

I’m still trying to find that part of me that got lost along the way in between deadlines and pressure and keeping all my balls in the air. What I have realised is that it’s not a one-off deal. It’s a worthy exercise to do for yourself whenever you think you need it. I updated my Facebook status saying “I’m trying to remember what its like to march to the beat of my own drum…” A good friend of mine replied “Try listening less…” Good advice from the dear Mr A.

So here I sit…in the the still and quiet air, not listening for my drum but waiting for it to start beating none-the-less. Bang bang.

 
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Posted by on April 19, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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Who puts the ‘it’ in community?

I’ve recently returned from a trip to the Hawkesbury River with my husband and his family. They have a place in a holiday park and have done so for nearly 15 years. Weekends, public holidays and random midweek jaunts have all been spent there.

The first time I was taken there I spent the entire car trip clutching my freshly made caramel slice thinking ‘will they like me?’. See, not only have my in-laws owned a place there for years, so have all the other people in their street. Before I had even packed my overnight bag, I’d heard numerous tales from the good times at the river. I must admit, I was confused as to who was who and who did that funny thing that time etc. And I was anxious wondering if I’d be accepted by them all.

My worry was pointless. As soon as we arrived I was treated like a long-lost friend. I was kissed and hugged and handed a drink. I spent the night sitting around the fire making new friends.

The river owns a special magic. It infects you with it when you arrive. Time slows down and the temperature heats up. But it’s not just those things that have you singing “we’re going to Bonnydoon’ on the way there. (If you’re not an Aussie and/or have not seen the movie The Castle, that reference just went way over your head).

During my last visit, we were all sitting around the communal fire in the middle of the street. All the different families sharing food and wine and general good cheer. There is a pleasant familiarity from spending so much time with people at their most intoxicated relaxed. Everyone looks after each other’s children, we all feed each other and someone is always ready to listen to your latest story/trouble/news. You see, these people have created their own little community. A river community.

I’m convinced we could take aspects of river living back to the real world and be much richer for it. Well, probably not the happy hour at 3pm and in bed by 8pm thing which always seems to happen to me down there. But….just saying.

Here’s to the river! Always so pleasant to visit…always so darn hard to leave.

Can you see the Easter Bunny making a special delivery?

 
4 Comments

Posted by on April 9, 2012 in Charmed, I'm Sure

 

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